I was quite disturbed the other day whilst staying over at my grandparents. They gave me a kiss and a cuddle and went up stairs to get some sleep. The thing that disturbed me was the shouting of “Shake it David shake it”.
Continue ReadingA spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
Continue ReadingI rang Tony’s pizza shop earlier. I said, “Hi there, I was reading your menu and it says, if you don’t deliver to me within the hour my pizza is free?” He said, “That’s correct.” I replied, “Right, I’ll have a giant meat feast then please.” He said, “Certainly sir, can I ask where you […]
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference between Emile Heskey and a table football player? Heskey’s black.
Continue ReadingThe time comes when you know you really ‘should get out more’. You wake up and suddenly think you’d quite like to grow your own cress.
Continue ReadingI was messing about the other day and someone told me to act my age and not my shoe size, which seemed odd to me. I wear a 44.
Continue ReadingMy wife told me to dig a hole and die, but she’s forgetting that men can’t multi task.
Continue ReadingJust got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and can’t get it out! I’ll tell you what, i’m in a right pickle!
Continue ReadingI dont know why I fly with B.A. All he does in the airport is sit there saying i aint getting on no plane, I pity the fool that tries to make me.
Continue ReadingShould we really trust a review written by the sort of person who writes a review of their kettle on Amazon?
Continue ReadingWhat does Britanny Murphy and most of my jokes on here have in common? They’ll all get buried before christmas.
Continue ReadingI once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
Continue ReadingThere’s two kinds of people I really hate. Those who put animals into words And hippocrites.
Continue ReadingWhat do football teams and American soldiers have in common? Neither really care about friendlies.
Continue ReadingI had a contest with the Grim Reaper to see who could throw the best carnival. He won – mine was a fte worse than Death’s.
Continue Reading