I failed a maths exam tod …
I failed a maths exam today when I couldn’t answer the question, “Give an example of a compound number,” despite spending more than 1 hour 10 minutes thinking about it.
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I decided to test out the …
I decided to test out the theory that if you placed 100 monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, eventually they would type out the entire works of Shakespeare without a single mistake. Then, just 10 years later, I walked in to discover something incredible… 100 dead monkeys.
Continue ReadingThat Jeffrey Archer looks …
That Jeffrey Archer looks like he’s got a temper on him. I’d hate to be in his bad books.
Continue ReadingNews from a week on the s …
News from a week on the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. […]
Continue ReadingMy dog does great impress …
My dog does great impressions of Third World children. He’s dead.
Continue ReadingPeople think I’m weird be …
People think I’m weird because I swallowed an Abacus. It’s what’s inside that counts.
Continue ReadingSome kids from the local …
Some kids from the local orphanage smashed my windows in the other day. Thugs. I blame the parents.
Continue ReadingBig girls don’t cry (8) T …
Big girls don’t cry (8) They comfort eat.
Continue ReadingQ: What’s the difference …
Q: What’s the difference between a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman? A: In each case, there’s a moron who didn’t pull it out on time
Continue ReadingI just thought of a great …
I just thought of a great name for my new brothel that i’ve opened up. I couldn’t have it though, apparently “Gash4Gold” was already taken?
Continue ReadingCaesarian Sections. They’ …
Caesarian Sections. They’re a cut above.
Continue ReadingLast night I Tweeted aski …
Last night I Tweeted asking if anyone was free to go out. Then my wife told me to stop trying to talk to birds, and to act my age.
Continue ReadingWhat’s a mexicans favouri …
What’s a mexicans favourite type of joke? A juan liner.
Continue ReadingDesperate Scousewives sta …
Desperate Scousewives starts tonight. I bet they steal the show.
Continue ReadingAccidently just put eye d …
Accidently just put eye drops in my ears. I can see what im hearing.
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