This dog is following me …
This dog is following me around like I’m made of meat. Wait a minute….
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The first job I ever had …
The first job I ever had was working in a supermarket, it was my job to hand out samples of things for people to taste. But I was asked to leave after ‘the little cups of bleach incident’. After that I worked in a pathology lab, but I was asked to leave after one of […]
Continue ReadingMy Mother-in-law used to …
My Mother-in-law used to say, “If at first you don’t succeed try and try again.” A philosophy that came back to haunt her as I struck her for the eighth time with my claw hammer.
Continue ReadingWhy, I thought to myself, …
Why, I thought to myself, is the letter before Z.
Continue ReadingThe wife went out for fiv …
The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man. She came back half an hour later and said “doesn’t time fly when your talking?” Not when your’re talking to me it doesn’t!
Continue ReadingBBC News: “A Polish man l …
BBC News: “A Polish man living in Germany spent five years with a bullet in the back of his head having forgotten he was shot because he was drunk when it happened.” Now I’ve had some forgetful nights… but being shot in the head! I don’t care what you say about those Poles, they sure […]
Continue ReadingWhat’s your fine? Girls, …
What’s your fine? Girls, the higher the fine, the more of a slag you are Lads, the higher the fine, the more of a legend you are.
Continue ReadingJoin the US Army. You wil …
Join the US Army. You will get 20 bucks for every kill in combat. Or 50 bucks for killing an enemy.
Continue ReadingI wanted to get a dog for …
I wanted to get a dog for my son. But the pet shop doesn’t do swaps.
Continue ReadingGirls who sleep their way …
Girls who sleep their way to the top are screwed up.
Continue ReadingI was walking round the f …
I was walking round the fruit and veg stalls at the market when i thought i’d have a kilo of potatoes. the bloke weighed them for me and said, “just over is that ok?”, I nodded. Then i asked for a kilo of oranges, he weighed them and again said “just over is that alright” […]
Continue ReadingI was just in ASDA. They’ …
I was just in ASDA. They’re doing a 2 for 1 deal on scissor.
Continue ReadingI’m the worst volunteer h …
I’m the worst volunteer hands down.
Continue ReadingToday I got lost in a hou …
Today I got lost in a house of mirrors, it gave me a lot of time to reflect.
Continue ReadingI nearly drove into a gro …
I nearly drove into a group of amputees. Thankfully I missed them by a few feet.
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