My dog is my best friend. …
My dog is my best friend. How sad does that make my social life?
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My boss has just gone on …
My boss has just gone on holiday AGAIN. He’s had more time off than the twin towers window cleaner.
Continue ReadingDrag racing. The quickest …
Drag racing. The quickest way to develop lung cancer.
Continue ReadingI hate Posters. They’re a …
I hate Posters. They’re all stuck up.
Continue ReadingI was playing a game of P …
I was playing a game of Pictionary and it was my turn. My card said ‘A type of ammunition’. I drew a blank.
Continue ReadingI’ve just bought a load o …
I’ve just bought a load of giant African land snails. I don’t want to breed them or anything, I just want to dot them round the garden so the resident hedgehogs think they’re in the middle of a wonderful dream.
Continue ReadingI was playing Scrabble wi …
I was playing Scrabble with my mates, and I had the letters: C, R, T, U, I, N and A. If I had an S, it was curtains for me.
Continue Readingnothing says “I can’t sle …
nothing says “I can’t sleep” quite like watching Sign Zone when you have perfectly good hearing
Continue ReadingIt’s ironic that the TV s …
It’s ironic that the TV series Glee is releasing a special on teen bullying because the reason I bully you is because you watch Glee.
Continue ReadingMy wife was ill but she’s …
My wife was ill but she’s on the mend now …. darning my socks
Continue ReadingThe bigger my wife gets, …
The bigger my wife gets, the more exciting I find her. She keeps me on the edge of my bed.
Continue ReadingWARNING: Do not allow pro …
WARNING: Do not allow product to make contact with eyes. If contact is made, you’re an idiot. This is nail polish.
Continue ReadingI live in constant fear t …
I live in constant fear that one of my applications will suddenly test me on the Terms & Conditions I claim to have read.
Continue ReadingYesterday I invited my fr …
Yesterday I invited my friend to an Erectile Dysfunction convention. He couldn’t come.
Continue ReadingSome people say that I do …
Some people say that I don’t understand how to use simple catchphrases, but I guess that’s just the way the other half live.
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