My mate started a new bus …
My mate started a new business and i asked what he did “We add together business’ monthly profit over a year and divide it by twelve” I asked “how’s it going” “average”
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I struck lucky in the cas …
I struck lucky in the casino last night.. Apparently that’s ‘animal cruelty’ according to Geoff from security
Continue ReadingI got turned down for a p …
I got turned down for a place in the local rifle club as they said I wasn’t the right calibre.
Continue ReadingDoctor: What do you see w …
Doctor: What do you see when you look at this? patient: A dead hooker with no arms or legs. Doctor: Interesting, what about this one? patient: A homeless man chopped into pieces. Doctor: Very interesting indeed, and what about this one? patient: Look, don’t you have coroners for this kind of thing?
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between Christians & Polar Bears. Christians pray in chapels & polar bears prey on Chapples.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend said she’s …
My girlfriend said she’s going to leave me if I don’t start facing up to the fact that I can’t actually speak French and should stop using bits of it in conversation. Je know she’s just jealous…
Continue ReadingI’m not bill gates. And w …
I’m not bill gates. And windows 8, 9, and 10 are my idea. Up yours Microsoft, see you in court.
Continue ReadingI find it very difficult …
I find it very difficult to talk to my broken umbrella. It never opens up.
Continue ReadingA man walks into a librar …
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on Hitler. ‘It’s on the far right’ the librarian replies. ‘Thank you, I’d also like a book on Marxist theory’ ‘Furthest left sir’ ‘and Nick Clegg?’ ‘Sorry sir, I don’t know where that one is’
Continue ReadingI can’t believe how stupi …
I can’t believe how stupid that Post Office clerk was. He said that my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it. Like that’s going to make it lighter.
Continue ReadingI am in the air force par …
I am in the air force parachute regiment. Yesterday I went on my first mission, which was dropping in over a war-torn country. As I fell 30,000ft 20,000ft 10,00ft 5,000ft I pulled the cord. My kagool tightened.
Continue ReadingThey say if there’s turf …
They say if there’s turf on the wicket lets play cricket. I say if there aint no turf she aint giving birth!
Continue ReadingI’m always getting a hard …
I’m always getting a hard time. I try to turn a blind eye to people who mock my poor vision. I will not hear another word said about my deafness. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish i wasn’t born mute.
Continue ReadingMy daughter got picked up …
My daughter got picked up for her first driving lesson today by a female driving instructor. Well, if that makes sense then I’m going to give Stephen Hawking a ring and see how much he charges for tap-dancing lessons.
Continue ReadingMy Son was tragically kil …
My Son was tragically killed in a motor sport accident when his car ended up in a ditch. It was a comfort when his mates rallied around at the funeral.
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