As my wife sat down in he …
As my wife sat down in her car I said, “You’ve got a fat tyre”. She said, “Don’t you mean a flat tyre?” I said, “Look down at your belly and tell me that’s flat”.
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I was doing a crossword t …
I was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, “Six letters…another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven’t got it!” “Avenue?” she said “No,” I said, “I haven’t, stop rubbing it in.”
Continue ReadingA girl asked me do i have …
A girl asked me do i have a facebook. I said yeh i have a facebook, or a mugshot file as the police are calling it.
Continue ReadingThe one good thing about …
The one good thing about internet dating. You’re guaranteed to click with whoever you meet.
Continue ReadingI club spades for diamond …
I club spades for diamonds ’til their hearts stop.
Continue ReadingI wanted to buy a candle …
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Continue ReadingToday may be the first da …
Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, but it is also the last day of your life so far.
Continue ReadingAs I came off the M6 into …
As I came off the M6 into Keele Services this morning I noticed a sign that said “End of Motorway Regulations”. So I took my seatbelt off and drove round the car park at 97 miles an hour texting my mates.
Continue Reading”I went to West Yorkshir …
”I went to West Yorkshire to get some things for my dog” ”Leeds?” ”No, just a few new toys”
Continue ReadingI bungee jumped for Child …
I bungee jumped for Children In Need this year and gave them a cheque for TWO THOUSAND POUNDS! It bounced.
Continue ReadingIt’s got to the point whe …
It’s got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no friends online. Just so i don’t have to talk to my wife.
Continue ReadingI had an argument with my …
I had an argument with my son over changing roles in our game of cops and robbers. And suddenly I’m the bad guy?
Continue ReadingI saw an Albino Polar Bea …
I saw an Albino Polar Bear once. “How do you know it was Albino?” …It was Black.
Continue ReadingI bought one of those mus …
I bought one of those music games for my PS3 this morning, but the guitar they supplied is tiny. I knew I shouldn’t have got “Beadle’s Rock Band.”
Continue ReadingMy wife came home and tol …
My wife came home and told me that she had booked us a holiday and it would involve getting on a plane in two weeks. She added, “I know how excited you can get but do try not to show me up.” I didn’t have time to be annoyed with her comment as I only […]
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