An experienced motor vehi …
An experienced motor vehicle mechanic is instructing an apprentice in the basic principles of the trade: “Now, open the bonnet and look inside. Adopt a puzzled expression and shake your head slowly …”
Continue ReadingThe other day, my girlfri …
The other day, my girlfriend said to me “I’ve never heard anyone call me fat.” I replied “You mastodon.”
Continue ReadingTop tip: When going throu …
Top tip: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit their brakes when they think they’ve been caught.
Continue ReadingI have had the mother in …
I have had the mother in law down for the weekend. I’ll put her back on the roof tomorrow.
Continue ReadingPeople say that marijuana …
People say that marijuana is good for you because it’s natural, but they don’t realise that just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe. Want to know what else is natural? Bears.
Continue ReadingI applied for a job in Au …
I applied for a job in Australia I think I have the necessary koalafications.
Continue ReadingIts my mate’s birthday to …
Its my mate’s birthday tomorrow and he’s got to spend the day on the Customer Service desk at Marks & Spencers. I wished him many happy returns.
Continue ReadingI was eating Walkers cris …
I was eating Walkers crisps today. He punched me and took them back.
Continue ReadingMy wife left to get me my …
My wife left to get me my food from McDonald’s over three hours ago and she still hasn’t returned. I’m really starting to get worried now… My fries will be getting cold.
Continue ReadingI was contemplating askin …
I was contemplating asking my imaginary girlfriend if she fancied a threesome. She said “Don’t even think about it!”
Continue ReadingThe wife asked me to sync …
The wife asked me to sync her new iPhone earlier……… It’s been in the bath for 4 hours now and still nothing has happened!
Continue ReadingMy local barbers is offer …
My local barbers is offering a shave with a hot towel. Can’t help thinking a razor would be more effective.
Continue ReadingIt has been annoying me f …
It has been annoying me for ages because I forgot the name of the actor that played Forrest Gump, then someone told me today. T.Hanks.
Continue ReadingI asked my friend why R.E …
I asked my friend why R.E.M split up. He said the other band member’s weren’t Michael’s type.
Continue ReadingI’m very familiar with 25 …
I’m very familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
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