Four-time Olympic skiing …
Four-time Olympic skiing gold medallist Matti Nykanen has been arrested on suspicion of attempting to murder his wife. Looks like their marriage has gone downhill.
Continue ReadingThey say savour the small …
They say savour the small things in life. Could someone tell my wife that?
Continue ReadingIt’s easy to be wise. Jus …
It’s easy to be wise. Just think of something stupid and then don’t say it.
Continue ReadingYour mum is so dirty Cili …
Your mum is so dirty Cilit wouldn’t bang her.
Continue ReadingMy underground spying org …
My underground spying organisation was a big failure. We had a mole all along.
Continue ReadingI’m sick and tired of my …
I’m sick and tired of my girlfriend insulting my friends. She hasn’t even met them. What right does she have to call them stupid, childish and imaginary?
Continue ReadingExercise programme: Take …
Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.
Continue ReadingYou know what the hardest …
You know what the hardest thing about treating sick and dying kids as a doctor is? Hiding your erection from the parents.
Continue ReadingMy friend just gave me a …
My friend just gave me a dead leg. I’m going to bury it in the garden and ask no further questions.
Continue ReadingI just got myself a new j …
I just got myself a new job, basically my role is to show schoolkids what a life of taking drugs and getting involved in petty crime leads to. I think it’s better known as a caretaker.
Continue ReadingMy history teacher once a …
My history teacher once asked me if I knew what the holocaust was. Hilarious, was apparently not the correct answer.
Continue ReadingMy mother-in-law had just …
My mother-in-law had just died and my wife gave me the job of deciding what was on the food table after the funeral. I am now divorced as apparently, “Celebrations” are not the appropriate chocolates to have.
Continue ReadingPrunes are dehydrated plu …
Prunes are dehydrated plums. Therefore, prune juice does not exist.
Continue ReadingI don’t do things by halv …
I don’t do things by halves. Which is probably why I lost my job as a barman.
Continue ReadingI used to think I had sch …
I used to think I had schizophrenia… But then I realized that’s what the voices want me to think.
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