I went to the tobacconist …
I went to the tobacconist at the end of the cul-de-sac. But he wasn’t open. Close but no cigar.
Continue ReadingThe other day, I saw a ho …
The other day, I saw a homeless woman and her child begging for money. I presume it was ‘bring your child to work day’
Continue ReadingLive each day like it’s y …
Live each day like it’s your last… Eventually you’ll get it right.
Continue ReadingI went to see a bloke abo …
I went to see a bloke about buying a car today. The price was too high, but I managed to knock him down. Then I just drove off in it.
Continue ReadingLurpack Spreadable Ironi …
Lurpack Spreadable Ironically, the only thing I am spreading is my bread around the plate.
Continue ReadingI bought a new pair of ru …
I bought a new pair of running shoes yesterday but as soon as I got them home they were off.
Continue ReadingJob Application: Describe …
Job Application: Describe yourself. An informal Noun, 2 syllables.
Continue ReadingThe naturists down our st …
The naturists down our street had a huge Halloween party last night. A frightening affair with ghoulies everywhere!
Continue ReadingI went to Glastonbury and …
I went to Glastonbury and had some awful experiences. The smell of urine and faeces, vomit on the floor and everywhere was soaked. We really shouldn’t have stopped at a Travel Lodge on the way back.
Continue ReadingHow many women does it ta …
How many women does it take to tile a roof? 12 if you slice them thin enough.
Continue ReadingI just bought half an oun …
I just bought half an ounce of the finest herb from a rapper I know. It was lethal basil.
Continue ReadingA man walks into a librar …
A man walks into a library and asks for a book. He encounters no problems from the librarian and takes the book home… Carlsberg don’t do sickipedia library jokes
Continue ReadingI cooked for ages yesterd …
I cooked for ages yesterday and made thirty very small dinners. I’m going to make a TV series called 30 Minute Meals.
Continue ReadingI’m a male model. I have …
I’m a male model. I have a face like an envelope.
Continue ReadingA parachute has 2 parachu …
A parachute has 2 parachutes in it. If the 1st one fails then there is a 2nd. And they say the 2nd one never fails. So why don’t they just open that 2nd one first?
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