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My Maths teacher wrote on my report “He’s one in a million but maybe his only downfall is he’s too clever for his own good” I’m one in seven billion you idiot.

It’s the birthday of my ice cream business today. It’s been a rocky road.

After a lengthy ear infection my doctor said, “You’re fine now.” I said, “That’s good to hear.”

My girlfriend told me I was a racist this morning. It’s hardly MY fault if she came in when I was throwing the spear to her friend Azim to teach him how to play catch – she couldn’t have walked in 5 minutes before when we were both just sat enjoying our cans of fanta

My neighbor keeps getting up earlier and earlier to get his news paper. I just cant take it any more !

Old people get their kicks out of buckets..

My son said, “Is it ok to make fun of the lady on CBeebies?” I said, “Sure, I can’t see any arm.”

I’m not a religious man but I do a lot of preying.

I saw a rat earlier and concluded it was overrated. Then a few more turned up, which was nice because rats are definitely underrated.