I got a really bad case o …
I got a really bad case of mood poisoning. It must have been something I hate.
Continue ReadingWhy not try to keep an an …
Why not try to keep an animal in your house? It would be like a kind of real life Tamagotchi.
Continue ReadingAccording to social servi …
According to social services, I’m not the great parent I claim to be. Apparently my son is in a meningitis induced coma and not hibernating.
Continue ReadingI’m a uniformed police of …
I’m a uniformed police officer but today I’m working under cover. I’m not getting out of bed.
Continue ReadingI was in a restaurant wit …
I was in a restaurant with my mate and his kid last week. I thought I’d wink at him to see if like most kids, he would just blink back with both eyes. When he winked perfectly back at me I was so surprised I exclaimed ‘Wow that’s amazing, kids almost NEVER wink back at […]
Continue ReadingI had to ring up the Walk …
I had to ring up the Walkers customer care line earlier as there was a crisp in my pack of ready salted air.
Continue ReadingMy wife got her breast im …
My wife got her breast implants put in last night. Back in my day us kids just threw stones at windows.
Continue ReadingMy daughter’s guinea pig …
My daughter’s guinea pig committed suicide today. I was driving home from the vet’s deliberating whether we could justify the 80 the vet wanted to perform an operation, when, inexplicably, it leapt right out of the car window.
Continue ReadingDon’t bother checking how …
Don’t bother checking how Australia are doing in Group D. There’s no point.
Continue ReadingMy Palestinian mate had a …
My Palestinian mate had a bout of chronic indigestion. I suggested Settlers. I was only trying to be helpful…..
Continue ReadingTop tip of the year so fa …
Top tip of the year so far. Apparently it’s still mount Everest.
Continue ReadingMy local barber is claimi …
My local barber is claiming social security while running his business. Is that what they call fringe benefits?
Continue ReadingHaving watched a lot of f …
Having watched a lot of films set in Victorian London I couldn’t help thinking that it would have been a much cheerier place if opium dens had been replaced by helium dens.
Continue ReadingGoing to the park to play …
Going to the park to play football with my son. It’s boring using a ball all the time.
Continue ReadingLike my son before me, an …
Like my son before me, and his son before him, I’m an accomplished time traveller.
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