Category: wordplay

When I found out my wife was cheating on me with a clown, I drowned him in a vat of grease paint remover. That wiped the smile off his face.

I got a call from the hospital today, they said my girlfriend had an accident… I replied “Not really shocked, mate. I’ve been expecting it for 9 months.”

Photogenic people should be shot.

I’ve just dumped my load outside the primary school gates. I love driving my gritting lorry.

My wife and I are house hunting at the moment, our estate agent called yesterday and told us he had a great semi he wanted to show us. Whilst I have to admit we were pleasantly surprised, I really don’t think its worth a phone call unless its fully erect.

I dont like to brag, but I know my way around a woman. Money.

An Office World truck ploughed into my car me last week, killing my son in the back seat, giving me severe whiplash and leaving my motor totally written off. Now, to add insult to injury it looks like I’m going to be held responsible for the accident despite the fact he drove into the back […]

The girlfriend asked me if I liked her little “surprise”. While I was asleep she covered me in a combination of hardwood, parquet, carpet and ceramic tiles. “Liked” doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. She completely floored me.

My wife just turned to me and said, “Have you let one go?” I said, “Of course not. I killed them all”.

I can’t be dealing with these Blackjack card counters.

I’ve made loads of money selling my version of Polo that don’t have a hole in the middle. I’ve made an absolute mint.

I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said, “Store in a cool place.” So I mailed them to Samuel L. Jackson’s house.

A family fancied ordering some pizza, then their neighbour saw them and ordered one, then their neighbour and so on and so forth. It was the domino effect.

I just had an argument with the wife and I’m in the doghouse again. Doesn’t matter. At least I’ve got a good excuse to be in here this time.

I’ve been a rodeo rider for two years now. On and off.