Category: wordplay

My mate works in a jam factory and recently fell into a vat of it. He was berried up to his neck

Me and Lady Gaga have been up gambling all night. I think we’re going through a Poker Phase.

I went round Mark Knopfler’s house the other day, and I was stood admiring a painting on his wall. He told me if I liked it that much then I could keep it! Amazing that Monet for Nothing

Attacked by a shark.. that was completely out of the blue.

Joseph Goebbels used to claim he always had a real goose for dinner on Christmas Day It turns out it was just proper gander

My wife makes brilliant coffee. She’s got it right down to a tee.

My wife is outstanding. I’ve locked the door.

I was recently invited to a fancy dress party of the feline variety in the Himalayas. Something about a cat man do.

Can’t wait for spring, will have the usual 50 bet with my neighbour over who’s lambs will run faster and jump higher. I love gamboling

I asked a straight girl if she wanted to come to my lesbian orgy tonight. “I’m not sure”, she said, “But I’ll swing bi if I can!”

My girlfriend came home from a long day at work last night so I said, “I’ll make you chilli in a bit.” “Awww, thank you!” she said. “Yeah, I’m turning the heating off, save some money.”

I told Rihanna that I thought my maths homework was too difficult, but she just told me to shut up and derive.

My wife’s just put the kettle on. She has some very strange costumes.

When I escaped from prison and police eventually caught up with me,one of the officers said,”Mate I have to say that was the best escape attempt ever.” I was taken back.

One of my spots exploded whilst I was in the chemist earlier. Puss in Boots.