Category: wordplay

I can’t tell you how proud I was there, standing on the stage with my “Attic Of The Year” award, holding it a loft.

I thought Yosemite was a ‘street’ way to greet a Jew?

My wife told me that she was fed up with me sitting around the house and that I should get a trade. So I swapped her for a stripper.

They told me straight away at the interview that I wasn’t suitable for the job. “You haven’t had any experience in the restaurant business as a Sous Chef, have you?” they said. “How could you tell?” I asked. “Well,” came the reply, “the eagle feathers and warpaint.”

I like my women how I like my pizza. Folded in half and dripping down the middle.

Don’t trust your heart! It’s not on the right side…

“What do we want?” “More music compilations.” “When do we want it?” “Now, 156.”

I was reading one of those women’s magazines yesterday. It was OK.

Peter Andre is “still tortured by Katie Price split”? I can sympathise, I feel sick just thinking about her split.

Imagine my horror. You’ll have to. I can’t be bothered writing a scary story.

Daily Mail: “Heart stopping moment a great white shark attacked a fishing boat full of friends” Well, I doubt they’re his friends now.

I was re-tiling my bathroom but when I’d nearly finished I realised I didn’t have enough. I desperately tried to re-arrange them to look alright, but it was too futile.

I am totally against battery farming. I believe tractors should run on diesel.

Me and the wife met on holiday in Spain. I simply refused to fly on the same plane as her.

I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden death of my Grandad, while in intensive care. He followed a few leads. Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.