Category: wordplay

I asked my medium to summon up the ghosts of Bill Hicks and Mitch Hedberg, but she had no seance of humour.

It’s a strange world we live in… …a world where the film ‘Grease’ makes more money than the country ‘Greece’.

I’ve decided to take up netball. I was a professional basketball player, but I couldn’t stand all the travelling.

Those stair lifts that old people use…. They drive me up the wall.

Today I was preparing my great-grandad’s funeral , and the undertaker asked me “What would you like your papa’s tombstone to be like?” Shocked, I replied by saying “Vertically on his head if it’s quick and painless.” You had to be there to know what it’s like to talk to a professional wrestler.

Horse drawn carriages. It’s not the whinnying, it’s the taking cart.

What’s the difference between Auschwitz and Butlins? The shower’s work at Auschwitz.

I had a very nervous guitar playing friend. He was always fretting about something.

I left my Dog in the Car today for 4 hours in the scorching heat. I know I made a mistake. But I thought it’d give the Kids some company.

CNN: USA Might Be Unable To Pay Its Bills Bobs, Johns and Toms were said to be unconcerned.

Saw some fit scottish girl the other day, so naturally I was ayeing her up.

I bought an inflatable tank yesterday… It was really hard to blow up.

I made my girlfriend breakfast earlier I’m a cannibal

Me and my mate Lee were having an argument whether Humpty Dumpty was real or not. He said, “Of course he isn’t, he’s an egg.” I replied, “Eggs act Lee.”

I slept with another woman last night. That’s two now.