Category: wordplay

I’d advise you to never take my advice

Our fuse box blew yesterday so my missus waited in for the guy to come and fix it. Its all working now she said, when she phoned me. Ian did great job. Ian? I said His names Jim. Well thats funny, she replied, it said ELECTRIC IAN on his van.

Thought Spurs had signed a new right-back but it turned out to be Hutton dressed as Lahm

Is reverse paranoia the fear that you’re following someone?

The other day, an attendant stopped me in a hospital car park to tell me, “You can’t park here. It’s badge holders only.” I replied, “But I have got a bad shoulder.”

Police were taken by surprise earlier on in London. As they entered a top floor shopping center they were confronted and attacked by a 50 strong mob! They must have escalated into a riot

Just witnessed my mate masturbating over broken bricks and stones. Thought it was a bit odd Then I remembered he had said he was always saying he was into a bit of hardcore.

Women, if you eat out by yourself I’d like to join you, you’re very flexible.

Some black guy broke into my house last night. Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

I love cooking children and dogs but I hate punctuating my sentences

I tried to cook lobster for my wife and I’s anniversary dinner. It went to pot.

My friend got the job writing the soundtrack for the new Kenneth Branagh film. He made a Thor tune.

Traffic Police Woman: Not a profession, but the bullet points of my witness statement.

If the chemical composition of Water is ‘H2O’ . . Is the chemical composition of Holy Water, ‘H2OMG’ ?

I was talking to my Nan the other day when I suddenly realised that everyone else in the Indian was giving me weird looks.