Category: wordplay

I think later I will be suffering from either constipation or diarrhoea. I have no medical basis for this. Just a gut feeling.

I boned my wife while she was asleep last night. You should have seen her face when she woke up this morning and found she’d been completely filleted.

My 14 year old son was expelled from school today because of his facebook status. Josh and his girlfriend Stacey were doing voluntary work at a mammal rescue centre and due to the high volume of work he didn’t have time to write a detailed status. So he just wrote…. Josh Varney is getting wood […]

I was at a party last night. Me and my friend could see people queuing, My friend asked me “Go to the front of that line and see if that’s the queue for the punch” Turns out it was, I have 2 black eyes and a broken jaw…….

My friend asked my opinion on his new air-conditioning units. I said I’m not a big fan.

Why did Surtees retire from the race? Because he got tyred.

I picked up a traveller on the motorway and asked him the nearest place to get a chocolate bar. He duly obliged. Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy

B&Q are next years official sponser for the Premier League. They’ve got everything! Except Hammers.

Sean Connery joined the self preservation society earlier. I saw him buying a tin of Ronseal.

I really think Bacary Sagna should name his son Les

Having a ‘writers block’ isn’t such a bad thing when compiling a book on stonemasonry.

If Stephen Hawking gets eaten by a cannibal, I wonder how many bytes it will take?

I booked myself into the ”Double Candy” hotel. It had a suite ring to it.

My memory is playing tricks on me. It keeps asking me to pick a card, any card.

The boss caught me sat on the phone earlier. I’d have looked a lot less suspicious if it wasn’t set to vibrate.