Category: wordplay

I was recently hired as an auctioneer. The company said “We think you have a lot to offer”

I went to a restaurant near Wimbledon. I thought the service would be better.

As I was gazing at the stars last night, I could just make out the a silhouette of a man beating a woman. I think it must have been a Stella constellation.

I was looking up skirts in the library today. Afterwards, I returned the dictionary.

Tonight I saw a sign that said, ‘Smoking kills’. I thought, ‘Wow, a talking sign.’

I just climbed the second highest mountain in the world. Mount Everer.

I just doggy-styled my wife. Now she has a poodle hairdo.

Last month, I went to africa to go on a hunting trip. After returning at the end of a long day my host asked me; “How did it go?” I happily replied, Pretty good, I shot a Lion, 3 zebras and 8 Doshus The man looked slightly bemused, but congratulated me nonetheless. On the following […]

Just bought ‘A History of Candles’ from Waterstones. I like nothing better than a little light reading before bed.

I was working on reception at a large hotel when this guy walks in dressed In a full suit of armour, “can I help” I asked, He said ” yes have you got a room, just for one knight”.

I used to work in a Velcro shop, but I had to quit after I got too attached to my job.

I’m a kleptomaniac and my favourite pop group is Take That, and that, and this, and those and ………….

I was arrested yesterday on suspicion of murdering my orchestra conductor. Apparently because I had bought a Stradivarius in 2002, an Amati in 1998 and a Guarneri in 1990, the police said I had a history of violins.

If seal is broken… Please inform the zoo keeper.

I can’t help it. Everytime I take a girl to bed, I end up stabbing her in the eyes. And Mum’s always told me off for my ffffing and blinding.