Category: wordplay

Princess Diana would have been 50 this year. If only she’d stayed at 30.

I got in a fight in a playground yesterday. I told some guy to stop stealing the equipment, he took a swing, and it all escalated from there.

I was doing a bit of scuba diving on an old German sub wreck. I wasn’t sure what I’d found, so I took parts to the British Maritime Museum. “Oooh, it’s a bit of an enigma,” the curator told me. He obviously wasn’t that good at his job, I thought.

I was down the pub last night when my mate turned round and called me, “Odd.” It’s made me determined to get even.

To be frank, would involve changing my name

My wife was in a car crash recently.. She was an extra in Ricky Gervais’s Derek.

I was playing footie in the park today and ended up getting a couple of bookings. The ref said I’ll be looking at some form of suspension. “No problem,” I replied, “It could be the shock absorbers. I’ve got to fit a new clutch for the goalie on Monday. Would Tuesday be OK?”

Since my wife died the house has looked a mess and it has begun to smell. I should probably tell someone about the body.

*Phew* People came to my party Few people came to my party Sometimes spelling doesn’t matter either way you’re still a desperate loser.

Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast? I give up.

How do you seduce Iron Man? Ferro moans.

A few weeks ago, my brother said he and his family were going on holiday. My 8 year old niece asked if I would come in her suitcase. As it turns out, it seems I misunderstood her.

I saw a headline in the paper that said “Millwall firm favourites for West Ham clash” I can’t believe they would encourage football hooliganism like that.

I was supposed to be having my appendix out today but after all the tests they’ve told me it was a false alarm. I don’t even remember eating one.

My wife’s really into threesomes. Shame it’s starters, mains and desserts.