Category: wordplay

I hate getting that sinking feeling… Especially when i’m on a boat.

Inner city Sikhs. Putting the urban into turban.

My mate asked me if I could look after his downs syndrome daughter tomorrow night. “I’m not sure, can I sleep on it?”, I replied. He answered “So long as I get a night out, you can do anything you want with it.”

I went to the local mosque earlier and beat up a Mullah who had been preaching hate as a retaliation. Unfortunately I got the wrong guy – it seems I made a clerical error…

You’d think I’d be vain. Gorgeous people like me usually are.

I carry my mate Patrick around on my back all the time and it feels quite good. A Pat on the back works wonders.

When I was shopping in Tesco I went up to the fish counter. He told me he’d got seven.

Drugs do cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.

I was speaking to a man from Syria today and he said, “In my country, bear fighting is the most popular sport.” “That’s revolting.” I replied. “No, that’s our second most popular.”

Prevention is better than cure, they say. Not with bacon it isn’t.

To save on postage by making your parcel lighter, send it through lamp post.

“24 Stone man loses 240 pounds in 1 day!” His gambling addiction was as bad as his eating disorder.

Has anyone else thought of going up to girl in a bar and saying, “Get your rat out love” Don’t bother.

My wife ran out of petrol this morning. It wasn’t too much of a problem though, I still managed to light the vapour trail.

I was accused of being condascending to deaf Muslims. I said, “Listen, Sunni…”