Category: wordplay

The wife served me divorce papers this morning, saying she hated being married to a Trigonometry teacher I told her I’d sine them later, cos shes always going off on her weird tangents

I hate it when I drink so much that I lose all sense of erection.

Never trust an acupuncturist. They’re all back-stabbers.

In an effort to conserve energy, my local council have told me that I need to turn off 50% of the lights in my pizzeria Theyr’e taking the pizz

I was next to Peter Crouch in the local takeaway yesterday,asking for 3 Kebabs and a portion of fries.”That’s a tall order”,i thought…

Women were eyeing up my big bulge in my jeans today. I didn’t reach the toilet in time.

When I married my wife her father said that to spend the rest of my life with her would take a lot of courage. I didn’t know he meant beer.

I was walking along the street yesterday when I saw a zebra crossing. I thought, ‘That must have escaped from the zoo.’

I bought a contraception magazine yesterday. Most of it was boring, but there was a great pull-out section.

I lost control of my car and crashed into a tree last night. This morning I went straight to the bodyshop. I’m going to need a nice lavender bath after that ordeal.

Alex Reid is in Katie Price’s bad books. He’s done nothing wrong, she’s just written two more autobiographies.

What’s the trouble with BNP football team? They’re all right wings.

I’ve only just heard that there’s an international “caps lock day”. I don’t know about you… but it just sounds like a load of shift to me.

My wife always did know how to pack a suitcase perfectly. I even managed to squeeze her big head into it.

I let loose my creative flair at the office today in the hope of promotion. All I got was a lecture from the fire brigade.