Category: wordplay

I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them anything because I live on a boat

A bird shat on my head the other day. That’s when I realised my new girlfriend was too kinky for me.

I’ve just written a joke on a message in a bottle and thrown it into the sea. I hope somebody gets it.

I’ve fallen head over heels for a compensation claim.

Haiti: a cracking country.

I knew she liked Bukkake – I could see it in her eyes.

I can’t believe the number of people who came to my summer pool party. If I’d known how many would turn up I’d have hired some more cues.

Me: Just seen a guy artificially inseminate a cow. Mate: Yeah? Me: Yeah, straight up, no bull.

I performed an operation earlier to save a young boy’s hearing. I think it may have gone wrong though, he told me he feels sound.

Isn’t the English language strange? Literally speaking, the opposite of up-lifting must be down-dropping. Which sounds like dropping a kid with learning disabilities down some stairs. Which I personally find very uplifting.

I’ve just read a piece in the newspaper about the mentally handicapped……….. It was a special report.

My friend insisted I went to his fancy dress party as a Jack in the Box. I’m sure he’s just trying to wind me up.

When I was in America, I met one of those very large Americans. He said he fitted kitchens, I said, “I bet you don’t”.

My mate just burst into my room while I was busy working and asked me what an electrical synapse in the human body was. The nerve.

Forrest Gump said that “life is like a box of chocolates”… but I think those chocolates are more like the kids at a school disco… The vast majority have nuts, and the ones that don’t are picked up and eaten out before anyone else gets a look in.