Category: wordplay

PC World won’t give me a refund on my computer because they say that I caused the damage by stuffing it full of twenty pound notes. It hardly seems fair when it clearly said it was running in safe mode.

I’m making a list of all the things that I ought to do before I die. It’s call my ‘oughtobiography’.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.

I’m always on my cell phone. There’s not much else to do in prison.

I had a near death experience last night. I was an arms distance away from my wife while she was beaten to death with my hammer.

I should have been disappointed by the vending machine dispensing broken chocolate bars, but it gave me a bit of a Boost.

The Police were investigating a burglary on my estate this afternoon. I think I might of upset them. The officer came to my door and said “Can you tell me your movements this morning?”. “Yes. Loose ones, I shat myself at 8am” I replied.

That English actor from House will be saying a few words at Eddie Stobarts funeral. His family say that an articulated Laurie, would be the best vehicle for the eulogy.

Im sick to death of my daughters insistance on only liking bad boys,so much so Ive had to take drastic measures. Ive thrown the DVD away.

Susan Boyle changes her name to Subo and becomes the best selling artist in the world. I try to do a similar thing with my name and I get death threats from all four corners of the globe. Looks like I’m destined to always be known as boring old Patrick King.

BBC NEWS: “Internet is ‘changing our memory.’” I’d bet 100 cache it’s had no influence on my thinking whatsoever.

I divided 3 into 1 in my sleep. It’s a recurring dream.

I like to lick furiously round the outside, then thrust my tongue in the middle. I love jam doughnuts.

My mate had hiccups earlier, so I decided to throw a crate full of mints at him. I used scare tic tacs.

My mate designed trousers that changes colour according to your mood. Smarty pants.