Category: wordplay

My dad has so many magazines in the bathroom I wouldn’t mind but he doesn’t even have a gun to put them in.

I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate. I didn’t want to say anything in case he took a fence.

I had 7 minute relationship with a solicitor behind my wife’s back. It was a brief affair.

What do you call a couple that go fishing together? Rod and Annette.

Despite his recent indescretions Tiger Woods never lied to his wife. Whenever she asked where he was going he simply said “To play a round!”

Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.

I had to pull the plug on my dear old granddad this morning. He sat freezing in the bath for hours.

My son got thrown out of the school choir for lowering the tone. His voice broke.

I just texted my friend, “You got any hats I can borrow?” He texted back, “Caps or nothing I’m afraid mate” I replied “YOU GOT ANY HATS I CAN BORROW?”

Gary Glitter is hoping to slip out of the UK and live in Casablanca…….. Here’s lookin’ at you,kids

My friend had such bad asthma, even though he’s dead he’s STILL having a coffin fit.

I stole one of my girlfriends leather knee high shoes earlier. She said ‘either give it back, or we will have to split up. Its your choice.’ So in the end i gave her the boot.

I’m listening to La Roux; The shoplifter edition. Going in for the till.

It’s National Pasta Day! So I’ve heard from my sauces.

I got a hand job yesterday. I’m now officially a sign language interpreter.