Category: wordplay

I was invited to a party the other day. On the invite it said, “Look Smart”. I turned up in a lab coat holding a test tube.

I was in the Gym the other day when I noticed someone struggling on the bench press. As I was standing near to him, he squeeked out to me ‘Can you spot me…’ He looked fairly unimpressed as he crawled out from underneath the bar after I had merely replied with ‘There you are’

I feel cheated now that my marker has wasted. It was supposed to be permanent…

Faulty car up for auction. Bidding will start at 99p. No reverse.

I have been trying to stop smoking for the past 20 years. I’m an anti-tobacco campaigner

My mother can be very cynical. The other day I told her I was going to open a Traditional Refurbished or Otherwise Used Battery Lamp Emporium. All she said to me was “that spells trouble”.

I’ve just bought a John Cleese DVD box set off eBay. I need to return it though because two of the discs are Fawlty.

My girlfriend really did a number on me last night. She shat on my chest.

Just for a laugh,I changed the font at our local church but the Vicar wasnt happy. It took him half a day to get it back to times new roman.

I’ve got a friend that just never shuts up. His shop is open 24/7.

I’ve bought my wife a bullet proof vest. It’s made from plastic. It proves bullets work.

My band got booed off at the singles club party last night when we dared to play ‘Lonely This Christmas’. I’m telling you, our name was Mud.

Fat birds must feel peckish all the time.

When I wrote my self-help book for clumsy people, they were tripping over themselves to get a copy.

I used to be a banker. But I lost interest.