Category: wordplay

I recently lost my job as a Judge, due to never turning up at work. To be fair, I wasn’t trying.

I bought 2 cakes the other day. Which one was the most expensive? Madeira cake.

I don’t know what the employees of Apple are so smug about. Soon they’ll all be looking for new Jobs.

I saw a freak wave in Blackpool today. Down Syndrome people are far too energetic.

Vincent tabback says he killed johanna yeates purely by chance, Yet another case of monopoly related violence.

I’ve got my wife to start calling me Helicase in the bedroom. It’s because I can unzip her Genes easily.

Just finished my screenplay about the life of Ireland’s most famous poet, I don’t mean to be arrogant but it’s got Oscar written all over it.

Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff. I’ve only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.

I wanted to work as a Wizard but I couldn’t get the staff.

I thought my girlfriend would be furious when it took me nearly five hours to get to the hospital when she went into labour. I needn’t have worried though; she was dilated to see me.

My wife has been constantly nagging me to sign up to one of those social networking sites. I decided Twitter , knocked her clean out.

I’ve just been offered a job replacing a guy named Teddy for two months while he’s away. I’m Tempted.

My neighbours Mr and Mrs Przemyslawski are getting a divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. They’re just poles apart.

Stroke my coat. You’ve pulled a cat.

To those men who whinge and whine saying it’s too hard to cultivate apples, I say, “Grow a pear.”