Category: wordplay

I always get criticised for expressing phrases too literally. But at the end of the day, its night-time.

A vacuum cleaner salesman appeared at my door and asked if I wanted a demonstration. After I said yes, he marched up and down the street with a banner saying ‘Buy This Hoover’!

People insult me for my use of long words but they can all catch pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and die.

I did some fundraising for my local zoo yesterday but no one gave a monkeys

Scores of people killed at Muslim wedding. Now thats what I call a Turkish Delight.

I used to be a committed Christian. The clinic was nice.

I was driving around the industrial estate in my Land Rover and saw a sign on the roundabout advertising a “4 x 4 specialist” so I pulled in. Apparently, the answer’s 16.

My new girlfriend is very adventurous in the bedroom. Last night I found her trying to scale the wardrobe without a safety harness.

As I pulled up to the scene I saw my son’s bike lying disfigured in the road, my heart sank That bike cost hundred quid.

Last night I won the French kissing contest hands down. It was good to let other contestants taste defeet.

I wanted to show my mate a pool trick earlier. So I whacked the cue ball, then it shot down the table and bounced off a cushion. That’s when we both got thrown out of the furniture store.

Apparently over 30,000 people were there for the opening of the new Waterstones store in Oxford Street….. That’s a turn up for the books.

I got a new noose, but I don’t know how to use it. I haven’t got the hang of it yet.

I’ve been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive. His wife stands on it and doesn’t let us out.

I was walked down the street the other day when a man pops out and starts throwing words beginning with ‘th’ at me. I dodged This and There but I didn’t see That coming.