Category: wordplay

I was having a kick about with my mates at the playing fields yesterday. I said to them, “I bet I can do something so amazing that it will blow your mind” I picked up the ball, ran the full length of the field, then dove onto the floor between the sticks. I ran back […]

A friend asked me what self-evident meant. I would have thought it was obvious.

I’m off to a really fancy hotel this weekend, Apparently they’ve got a swimming pool, Hot tub and even a spar. So that will be handy If I need some milk or tea bags.

Marriage is just not very important in my book. That’s why I omitted mine from my autobiography.

My wife made me a cup of tea. It’s the most ridiculous fancy dress costume I’ve ever seen.

Why couldn’t the Captain’s girlfriend see? He came in the Birdseye.

I was in my local restaurant tonight & I ordered a steak. The waiter said “Well done sir?” I said “Thanks, it was nothing”.

I have an Eskimo fetish, but most people just aren’t that Inuit.

I went to get my palm read the other day, but as I was sitting down at the table I managed to knock over her crystal ball. Ended up costing me a fortune.

Top Gear are to replace The Stig with an ex-Police driver. Everyone already knows him as The Pig

What did Spock say when Kirk asked what washing powder he uses? “It’s biological captain”

I can’t believe today’s heat. It’s not got Katie Price in it.

I just went to buy some Velcro shoes and the prices were astonishing. What a rip off!

I love it when she whispers sweet nothings into my ear, like “Aspartame”.

My wife has a remarkable body. Every time a bruise heals I give her another.