Category: wordplay

I’m thinking about opening a shop called “Pi”. Don’t know what it would sell, but it would be open 22/7.

I said to my mate yesterday, “Oi Dave, what’s that game where you have a machine that dispenses loads of different coloured cards, and you miss a turn and have to pick up more cards and that?” “Uno?” he said. “No,” I said, “That’s why I’m asking you.”

I’ve just borrowed ten grand from a loan shark, I’m not too worried about paying back it though, as long as I stay away from the Aquarium…

I tried a new OCD-themed restaurant today. It wasn’t bad but you do have to order everything on the menu.

I got on the bus today where there was a fat women driver. When I put my money into the machiene she asked, ‘single?’ I replied, “yeah but I’m not interested thanks.”

A girl gave me a fiver to see my snake, Anaconda, I kept her fiver.

I hope Alicia’s going to look after her Dad, now he’s unemployed.

I saw a sign on a tree today saying “BBQ here in half an hour”. It was only 4″ high. Short notice, I thought.

Bomb disposal experts can be really moody when they’re deactivating landmines. So if you approach one, tread carefully.

Today I found a clue as to who planted all the ivy in my allotment, but I can’t work it out. Meanwhile, the plot thickens.

I have a habit of sleeping in too late and missing work, so my doctor recommended that I sleep in a herb garden. At first it sounded odd, but I did wake up on thyme.

I live in a bungalow. Well, it has an upstairs. But that’s another story.

My new girlfriend is very insecure. Tonight was the first time I’ve been in her house and I’ve already made copies of all of her bank statements.

As me and my date walked through my front door I said, “I hope you’re ready for a magical night..” “‘Cos you’re sleeping on my carpet.”

My mate fell over on my boat the other day and was left hanging off the side He looked like a right plank