Category: wordplay

My plan for this summer is three-fold: Learn origami.

At the breakfast table this morning, my obese wife asked me for some of the artificial sugar. “Ok, baby” I replied, “I love you and you look fantastic.”

Since the car accident I’ve been fed all my meals through a tube and lost a total of 2 stone. I’m on a crash diet.

My neighbour isn’t happy that I’ve taken up fencing. Because It’s his.

I’ve got a feeling that I’ve stuck pins in this doll before. I have this sense of deja voodoo.

I have written and published – without the help of anyone else – a book about independence.

I went trainspotting today. I must be going through a Damien Hirst phase.

When I woke up this morning I felt like one of Mozart’s symphonies. I was alright though, once I’d composed myself.

One AA says don’t drink and drive The other AA says don’t drink My wife just says ‘don’t’

Sky news US City Struck By 30-Mile Wide Dust Storm Reporters say the local weight watchers were seen line dancing !

My girlfriend has just gone to sunbed place for a spray tan, but couldn’t have it done as there was only one member of staff on. It takes two to tango.

What do you call a man who’s half Nigerian? Nige.

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It’s called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

My girlfriend asked me to sing a David Bowie song on karaoke. I said, “No, you know I can’t sing, Let’s dance.”

I beat all the odds, and was banned from the freak show for life.