Category: wordplay

I was sick of all those black youths hanging around in the forest outside my house… so I cut the ropes

Me and my mates were playing cricket in the park earlier with a Mr Potato Head. No one batted an eyelid.

I was locked in a room with a PC and forced to play default Windows games the other day. It was solitaire confinement.

All I got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards….. I found it really hard to deal with.

I’ve not managed to get any work for 3 months now, at my job in the condiment factory. Apparently, the demand for staff there is seasonal.

“21 die in Venezuela crash” and this is why we do not want that annoying plastic trumpet in our stadiums…

The wife walked into the living room after a day at work and saw the place looking like a pig sty. “I’ll give you a hand tidying up if you want,” I said. “Lord help me,” said the wife looking at the mess. “No need to be so formal,” I said, “Dave will do”.

I was playing cricket the other day, and I missed the ball. I didn’t know what to do. I was stumped.

My wife has just ran off with a doctor from Prague. That’ll be what she meant every Thursday when she said she was going for a check up.

The wife dragged me round the shops earlier and when we were standing in Cath Kidston I noticed a really scruffy Arab standing next to me. I think he was a shabby Sheikh.

My wife has driven me to drink. We almost crashed on the way.

The wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don’t enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her. Then at work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her. The last straw was when I went round to my mum’s place as […]

I’ve just invented a vaccine that prevents racism. I’m calling it an Enochulation.

Went to see a comedian this evening, he started making jokes about it being the summer solstice… That’s when I knew it was going to be a long night

As a teenager, I once smashed up a nestful of heron’s eggs. No egrets.