Category: wordplay

Just found out my wife, after promising not to, has been selling kitchen utensils behind my back. I’ve been de-sieved by her.

As my wife walked out of the door she said, “I’m not as stupid as you think, you know”. After she’d gone I said, “You’d better alert the pilot, stewardess”

I’m the Black Eyed Peas’ new manager. Don’t believe me? well.i.am!

A man with no culture is a pain in the arts.

I once realised you could make a fortune selling leaves to vegetarians. Ever since then i’ve been raking it in.

I recently bought a second keyboard, so I can indulge in some stereotyping.

I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night, got away with a broken arm. Don’t know whose, but it’s mine now.

i bought some gingerbread men today, but when i was about to eat them, there was nothing in there and i realised i’d bought some ninjabread men.

I went to my therapist and said, “My wife was eaten by an evil man. I need a film to cheer me up.” “Gladiator?” she asked. “No,” I replied. “I’m not, that’s why I came here for help.”

Headline:’World’s fattest man dies’. Now on a lighter note…

I am trying to win the heart of a young lady. I have bought 2 tickets in the Alder Hey Hospital raffle.

I’ve just been told about a new way to stop water stagnating I’ll give it a whirl later

Just found out my mate died in an explosion in an internet cafe Rest in PCs Dave

I am a brilliant magician. But only in spells.

Just going to watch my spotty teenage son playing football with other spotty teenagers against a team of more spotty teenagers. Yep… Off to Acne Marshes.