Category: wordplay

My friend Ian told me he favours one leg to the other. I said “You’ve got Olympian”

George Michael walked into Boots and said to the pharmacist, “I’ve got these terrible spots all over my face, is there anything you can recommend to treat them?” So the pharmacist recommended a product and asked if it was okay and George replied, “no, can you recommend something else please? I don’t want your Freederm”.

A girl just shouted me over on the beach. She said, “Hey gorgeous it’s really hot how do you like the idea of standing there and wafting me down?” I replied, “To be honest love, I’m not a fan.”

A lot of people don’t like JD Sports. I find I’m much better at darts after a couple of whiskies

My wife said that she’d like some brackets up on the wall. So I went over to it with my marker pen and asked what she’d like me to write between them.

Gonna try a bar I’ve never been to tonight. The 5th one on my iPhone.

My girlfriend dumped me because of my addiction to Monopoly I begged her to give me another chance…

I tried to buy a rare bottle of aftershave but couldn’t afford it. In the end i used my common scents.

My neighbour showed me his beehive and then kept going on about the bees not making any honey. It was just drone, drone, drone.

BBC News: ‘Hundreds of trout found dead in Cornwall river’ There’s definitely something fishy about this.

BBC News: ‘British pair freed from pirates’ Why steal our fruit in the first place?

I was on my way to the West end on the tube and I accidently dropped my Wallet containing both my Oyster card and Musical tickets. Some cheeky slapper tried to pick it up and slip it in her pocket. I said “Hey, that’s my fare lady!”

Last night I had a one night stand. It was my first and last night as a security guard.

I was sitting in the pub with my mate the other day when he said to me “I’m going to have a few pints then sort my problems out.” I always knew he was a Lager then Life kind of guy.

‘If you’re repeating a gag from a comic…’ Please guys, never steal someone else’s gag. Just last week someone stole one of mine and I was absolutely furious! My new one doesn’t block out my daughter’s screams nearly as well!