Category: wordplay

I wouldn’t be caught dead in the recovery room.

I went to the gym today, tried some powerlifting, did the clean and jerk. This was quite strange for me, as I usually do that the other way around.

Being 22 stone in this hot weather is like being Michael Jackson. Im always very close to a 3ft Fan.

I went to a spiritualist medium the other night to try and contact my recently deceased Father. As we were standing there, she shuddered and said “There is a very strange sensation coming over my face” Yup, that’s my Dad..

My friend stepped on a land mine for the second time a few days ago; I’m helping him find his feet again.

I saw my wife getting beaten up the other day, I couldn’t stand to see her in so much pain! So I sat down and felt much more comfortable.

So the worlds going to end today, well i need to get laid today then. Off to kids kingdom for me.

If your wife is foreign, is it still considered domestic abuse?

I wrote a letter to the Queen saying that I wanted to write a comedy play about her life, I got one back saying that she was not a muse.

I made it my mission to take cocaine in every country in Europe.. And after 3 months, I’ve finally made it to the Finnish line.

After the N’teenth time of my nan ridiculing me for being a virgin, I lost it with her.

I got home yesterday only to find the letters “ynasnsee” spread out on the table, I couldn’t make any sense out of them.

I told my girlfriend that I’d been a professional body builder for the last 10 years. She said “Really, you don’t look very strong”. I replied “You don’t have to be to reconstruct accident victims at the mortuary”.

I stopped at the BP to pump up my tyres and noticed that the price was now 30p! Oh well, that’s inflation for you I suppose.

Just had an unrealistic dinner at CGI Fridays.