Category: wordplay

I used to date an anorexic girl. But eventually I dumped her. I was sick of her making meals out of nothing.

I sailed through my driving test. I think that was the reason why I failed it though, I wasn’t meant to use a yacht.

Asian school kid has one night stand. But has to replace it with a bigger one because it can’t fit all his books.

Invited my Indian mate over for lunch with my family yesterday, when suddenly my mum turned to him and said: ‘Mohammed?’ ‘Mum!’, I shouted, ‘you know that’s not his name you racist!’ ‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘I was just asking Ed if he would like some more ham.’

I’ve been teaching my dog how to count. I said “Rover, whats three plus two minus five”? and Rover said nothing.

I was born with a Maris Piper growing from the side of my head. I’ve since had it amputatoed.

I think my wife’s trending on twitter. ‘tache hag, my wife.

My wife’s new nickname for me is ‘The Bank’. Not because she comes to me whenever she wants some money, but because I’ve stopped paying her any interest.

I’ve just seen a woman hand-cuffed and thrown into a van by the Old Bill. He’s the dirty old man that lives at number 43.

I read in the newspaper: ‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’ They must be linked.

I went to the African takeaway the other day. Ordered my food Togo.

My worst ever shopping experience was in HMV when I queued for 127 Hours.

My Son said he was too ill to go to school this morning. I looked at him and noticed that his head was all pointy with snow on top. I had to admit he did look peaky.

I got fired from my quality control job at the Tartan factory. I refused to double check my work.

Scientists have concluded that radioactive pelicans could cause a natural disaster of glow bill proportions.