Category: wordplay

I invested all my savings into buying a share of a new block of flats that my friend is building, only to find that my section directly overlooks Prince William’s bedroom. I’m going to sell my storey to The Sun.

I walked in on The Rock doing drugs Eventually I was able to convince him to lay the smackdown

I’ve started a new trend of defacing long-necked animals with spray paint. I call it giraffiti.

BBC News: “Glastonbury hopes for U2 return” Excuse me? I’ve never been…

“Can I have a cup of beef stock, please?” I asked the waiter. He replied “Sure, let me just boil the cattle.”

I’m taking part in an amateur unicycle event next week. I’m gonna need support.

I went to a disabled athletics meeting last night and it was surprisingly good, especially the prosthetic foot 100 metre dash. It was a really close run race that had to be decided with a faux toe finish.

I asked the girl in the pet grooming shop out to dinner. She couldnt make it, she was washing her hare. That old chesnut.

Sainsburys refuse to sell flour and eggs to under 18’s until after Halloween. So don’t be surprised if you get hit over the head with an empty mixing bowl and whisked off to hospital.

After using the toilet for some time, I returned to the bedroom. When you’re broke and without a watch, you get to use weird alternatives.

My dog, Rover, talks in his sleep. He keeps claiming my wife’s been having an affair. I’m not worried, though; everyone knows sleeping dogs lie.

I’ve been seeing someone behind my girlfriend’s back. I think she’s got a stalker.

Me and my wife fell out recently on our way home from a holiday. Luckily I was the one with the parachute.

I work at an accountants, and to be honest I’m not very good at it. I’m just making up the numbers.

Flies spread disease. So keep yours zipped up.