Category: wordplay

I invited a load of soldiers around to our office canteen for lunch yesterday. It made a mess.

When trying on new clothes i go to a different cubicle every time. This is because i like changing rooms.

In an effort to never be wrong again, I’m becoming a lesbian. I hear they’re inphallible.

“I’ve got the Snitch!” Said Harry, “I’ll hold him down and you can drill through his kneecaps”

I’ve just bought a transparent megaphone. Now everyone can hear me loud and clear.

I’m finding out that the best relationships are the ones devoid of emotion. And thanks to my own inadequacies, women don’t feel a thing.

My kid just texted me “Dad, can you help me find my skateboard?” I replied “I’m on it.”

The night before my wedding I had my hair cut into the shape of a deer It was a stag do.

Normally I’m a laid back guy, but when I saw the poor portrait I had commissioned of myself, I went mental at the painter. It just wasn’t like me at all.

I told this gorgeous looking blonde who was trying to open a jar that I was the World’s Strongest Man. I didn’t think she’d fall for it but I managed to pull it off

My wife was on the phone when I got home tonight..She really hates our couches.

As a writer I seek inspiration where I can, and get most of my ideas when I’m idly sat doing my Jamaican girlfriend’s hair. I don’t know what I’d do if she left me. I dred to think.

My younger brother use to love being as a pirate, but then he died at sea. So long John.

Banter = Legal Racism

I had some prawns the other day that disagreed with me. To be honest, I really shouldn’t have been talking to them anyway.