Category: wordplay

I decided to take my Mother-in-law shopping today, in light of Sainsbury’s current eco-advertising campaign. “Take an old bag shopping.”

With the welfare state reform now coming in, many chavs have found themselves fleeing the country across the Channel to France to set up new settlements where they may live without fear of losing their money. French police say that they will not be intervening in the towns of Gipeau, Asbeau and Jiereau.

What do you get if you cross a pelican and a zebra? Two streets further away.

A,U! Wanna hear a joke about gold?

I before E except after C …..tell that to a Scientist

did you hear about the dyslexic pervert? he took his nipple clamps back to M&S Direct

Ive just seen two tramps playing leapfrog and generally acting the goat. Silly beggars.

Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it. Then I was enlightened

I almost got into a fight with my new neighbour, Neil Buchanan, after I spilt some rubbish on his lawn. I apologised, and tried picking it up, but he just shouted “NO!” He clearly wanted to make something out of it.

Some Paki kid called me a douchebag earlier… I replied ‘Calling me something loosely translated as ‘washbag’ isn’t as offensive to us, but I see where you’re coming from…’

I’ve got a mate with no confidence at all and I call him the Frightened Balloon. He’s just so scared of being let down.

My football team’s undefeated in 30 games this season which were all 4-1 with one 4-4. I love playing for the Musketeers.

No mail for 3 weeks now. Think my Postman’s got the sack.

My wife and I were flying home from our holiday when she whispered in my ear `Come on big boy make me sore`.So i threw her out at 20,000 feet.

I told my Chinese mate that I bought very cheap cigarettes that were shipped in from a foreign country. He said, “Is that Regal?”