Category: wordplay

I think I’m going to hang myself later. That self portrait I had done is going to look great above the fireplace.

Every house needs a door, and that’s where I come in.

I can’t wait to stay in the brand new hotel I’ve just booked for my holiday, but I’m worried it won’t live up to its billing. I’ve definitely got my reservations.

“BBC News 2247pm: In Manchester, a recently opened fashion boutique in King Street owned by former Oasis singer Liam Gallagher has been hit by looters.” Clearly should have invested in a wonderwall.

I’d just perfected my Arctic Monkeys-themed lollipops when my wife walked in. “They look tasty, what flavours are there” she asked. “Suck it and see” I replied.

How can someone who doesn’t know what the word what means, ask someone about what the word what means ?

I met this farmer and he said, “It’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad when you’ve got a cow that’s lactose intolerant. I said, “Don’t milk it.”

Now is not the time for vanity… Now is the time to show the world how incredibly awesome I am!

My affair with the Maths teacher has reached a new level since her husband died. It’s so much easier now he’s out of the equation.

The wood in my old flat was so decayed, that I fell through the bedroom floor into a 180, reverse-twist somersault. It was a proper dive.

Eye. Watch. Cape. Horn. Now repeat the four words above faster and faster

Round our way, thugs have started kneecapping people just for fun. It’s the Kray’s.

At scouts today, my son learnt how to kindle a fire. Tomorrow he’s learning how to iPad a canoe.

I got my wife some trainers today. One to teach her how to wash up properly, and one to teach her how to iron properly.

I told a French guy “Ive just been up Frances most iconic tower it was amazing!” French guy : “Eiffel?” Me : “Shouldnt have leaned over so far then you daft surrender monkey”