Category: wordplay

My dad always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

My daughter has just stated dating an undertaker but I’m dead against it. I’ve told her that he only wants her body.

At the bus stop this morning I saw a gentleman getting more and more agitated the later his bus was. He tutted, started checking his watch and grumbled under his breath. I began to wonder how angry he’d be at the driver when two of the same bus came along at once. He went off […]

He said “You remind me of a pepper-pot.” “I’ll take that as a condiment” I said.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I […]

All men are born equal. Apart from me, I was 3 months premature.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they can’t find home

People who lose pound coins down the backs of sofas – I feel for them.

I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.” My neighbour said, “Do you have a spare set?” I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

When I put rubbers over my dad’s eyes, he looked surprised. Erased his eyebrows.

Just bought a new TV, but it didn’t come with anything to put it on. This is wrong, and I have not gotta stand for it!

I’m in line for a job down at ‘Oxford Dictionaries’. I got my mate to put a word in for me.

I got into work today to find I didn’t have much on. That may have explained the funny looks on the bus.

My wife and her best friend are both called Susan. I came home from work one day to find them both lay on our bed, naked. My wife smiled, and said, “Remember that chat we had about our fantasies? Well, we’re going to make yours come true tonight.” I wasn’t sure what she meant at […]

Eight suspected French terrorists, who were accused of plotting to blow up a university in the north of England, have had their verdicts overturned after new evidence proved them not guilty of any crime. The Durham Huit are set to be released this Wednesday.