Category: wordplay

Being a Secret Agent is great. It means I can still claim job seeker benefits as well as the commission from the houses I sell.

I just saw a guy with 2 prosthetic arms and 2 prosthetic legs having an epileptic fit. I found it really upsetting, I hate seeing people fall to pieces like that.

Knowledge is power. France is Bacon.

I’ve given up honey production to form a Monkee’s tribute band. Now I’m a bee leaver.

I had a downhill race with a tranny on a push bike today. I beat him by miles. I think the drag let him down.

Great British Menu – “The stakes are higher than ever this series” I find they tend to cook better after being stored on the lowest shelf in the fridge

I hate bottled beer. They’re uncanny.

I’m in a hip hop group called the Parsnips, we never forget our roots.

I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think’” I thought and thought about this for ages. Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’

A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him. His condition is described as stable.

This guy is always having car troubles. I wish he’d stop coming to me with his Saab stories.

You have to Discriminate against Australians!

I can’t understand why my new automatic Glade air freshener doesn’t work even though I’ve just put brand new batteries in it. It doesn’t make scents.

I’ve been out ploughing snow all day. I still don’t think any crops are going to grow in it though.

Women are like lawn mowers. If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.