Category: wordplay

I hate it when I run out of Staples. So do their security guards.

Joe Bloggs. About what?

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day. He said, ” Only if you make up the time.” I said, ” OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

I went up to a couple of women in a bar and said, “Do you mind if I join you?” One of them said, “Sure, go on then” They got a bit freaked out when I pulled out my sewing kit though.

Groundskeeper “Oy you, It’s against the law to fish round here”. Me “I’m not fishing-I’m teaching my worm to swim”.

My dog gave birth to 2 puppies tonight. I don’t want them though, so I’ve chucked them in the bin with the rest of the litter.

Just been told I’ve won the “Cynic of the Year” award. I bet there’s a catch.

Tramps who use newspapers to keep warm this winter are behind The Times.

My mate asked me how many seconds it takes for me to think up a pun about songs. “It takes two,” I replied.

I was visited by the ghost of Christmas present. Serves me right for not putting air-holes in it.

I’ve got a date for tomorrow. 10th Jan 2010.

Fisting just ain’t doing it for my girlfriend anymore. I’m gonna have to start using my head to save this relationship.

I was going to start taking self defence lessons but I decided on algebra instead. I’m a firm believer there’s safety in numbers

I’ve seen some sickening sights on Comic Relief tonight Susan Boyle’s face to name but one.

Trust me, if you want the birds to flock around you, screaming and begging you for what you have to offer… Buy some chips at the sea-side.