Category: wordplay

The problem with nursing homes is that breast milk gets all over the walls.

The chap who invented traffic lights, I wonder what colour light he got to go ahead with his idea?

I’ve just bought a new watch from my local fetish shop. It’s got a strap on.

After getting ripped off by a cowboy builder, my house has been left very vulnerable to burglars. I’ve now got saloon doors instead of a front door.

Kane Middleton, a 13 year old paperboy in Bedfordshire, who earns 6.53 per week has been made redundant. I would just like to say that if young Kane would like to make some more money, he can come around my house and help me with my little puppies.

Invited my mate round earlier for a jigsaw night. He couldn’t make it..

As my wife took a bite she shrieked, “Ugh, it looks like someone’s toe in my pasty.” “Is it Cornish?” I replied. “No,” she answered, “it’s more like a bunion.”

This weather is brilliant. I much prefer it to this whether.

People always say that you can never beat the bookies. Well I’m going to Plumpton with my baseball bat tomorrow and I’ve got twenty quid that says I can.

People with OCD are not very good at strip poker. They mostly fold.

Ryan Giggs puts the ‘winger’ in ‘swinger’

I was called to identify my late Greek Grandfather recently. He had drowned in a large bowl of sauce whilst eating some Pita bread. It was very distressing for me; I have never seen a posthumous body before.

I tried to look up “persevere” in the dictionary once. I couldn’t find it so I gave up.

I ran into a fishing shop today and threatened to shoot everybody if the didn’t give me all the money in the till. The cashier said, “Sorry Sir, we’ve not had any takings yet. So I took the float.

I asked my nephew what he wants for his 18th birthday. He said, “Uncle Osama, what I really want is 72 virgins to do whatever I want with.” Well, if that’s what he wants then that’s what he’ll have. It’s going to cost him a bomb though.