Category: wordplay

I can never remember the ending of sayings. Oh well, easy come…..

“Any similarities to persons living or dead are entirely coincidental.” The press were less than enthusiastic about my portrait exhibition.

The postman left me a card today to let me know my package was too large; that was nice of him.

Having fake teeth. That’ll denture confidence

So, I was doing a crossword last night and my wife, representing a beached whale on the sofa, kept interrupting my out-loud thought processes with unappreciated answers. So I said: “The next letter after ‘s’ in the alphabet…” My privately educated wife: “t?” Me: “Yeah. Get making it.”

What I don’t know about gardening isn’t worth growing.

To be fair, I’d have to spend a fortune on hair dye.

Totally killed at the nursing home open mic last night. Didn’t actually perform, but I did unplug some respirators.

I was sat in traffic the other day… I got ran over

I saw a stand up comedian-psychic today… He was saying what we were all thinking.

My opticians webpage has gone missing… I’ve lost my site!

Was clothes shopping online earlier and I logged onto Yorkshiremenswear.com. All I got was a load of northern blokes effing and blinding.

Sky news Boy crushed by car ‘was a true individual’ His father said ‘Our jack was always under cars ‘

I love brunettes but I was gutted to come home from work to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair light-blonde. It’s just not fair.

Memo to whoever signed MasterChef’s John Torode and Gregg Wallace to host Friday night’s Have I Got News For You: Booking doesn’t get duffer than this.