Category: wordplay

What’s an ideal secretary? One who can take shorthand…and give it.

I was explaining to my mate that I had a really difficult choice to make and I was struggling to decide. “Dilemma”, he said. “Why?”, I asked, “Do you think she’ll be able to help?”

Every week I donate my sperm to the bank. I’m not sure whether the cashier appreciates it though.

My wife said: “Can my mother come down for the weekend?” So I said “Why?” and she said “Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already”.

I’ve hit rock bottom. All I do is sit in my room alone uploading depressing songs to my iPod. I never thought I could sync solo.

Robinson Crusoe was a cruel master, and many a servant died at his hand. That’s why the thirteenth one adopted the hockey mask and machete.

I saw my neighbours teenage daughter the other day with her new car. looked like someone had smashed it hard from behind, the car looked fine though.

My mates keep making fun of me after having my arms amputated by handing me beers. I can’t take it anymore.

The waiter walked over to our table and said,”I’m sorry sir but we’ve overcooked your steak ” I sarcastically said, ”Well done mate ” To which he responded, ” A bit more than well done sir. ”

I’ve been sending my mum a card every Mother’s Day for the last fifty years. If she can stay alive for another two, she’ll have a full deck.

Shakespeare hated hugging. He was a no holds bard.

I would join the Church of England but I’m worried that it’s too dangerous. I’ve heard that they have a lot of casual teas.

A girlfriend once dumped me during a site seeing trip to Pompeii. She left me in ruins

Hispanic. It’s what happens when you throw a Latin American into a lions den.

A lot of people are condemning Ashley Cole for shooting a student at point blank range, but in his defence, John Terry, Branislav Ivanovic and Jose Bosingwa.