Category: wordplay

My wife crashed into the back of a bus yesterday. She thinks that’s bad, yesterday I rear-ended an escort; He was furious. I had only booked him until dinner.

My mates call me Dr Doolittle. Because every Sunday morning I wake up with a different dog.

I no longer work at my local tattoo parlour. It’s because I got a transfer.

“I went to Pete and Mary’s wedding last week.” “Oh yeah… How did it go?” “It was a cracking day, up until the last hour.” “Petered out?” “No, I outed Peter.”

I’m in the army and my mate keeps telling me there is something going round the camp. How many times do I have to keep telling him it’s the perimeter fence.

I got up this morning and discovered that somebody had written “QWERTY” down the side of my car. I think it’s been keyed.

For years I struggled to make a sound when snapping my fingers. Then suddenly it clicked.

I’ve just murdered my whole family because a cult brainwashed me. At least my conscious is clean.

I started my new job on a casualty ward yesterday. An emergency patient came in. The doctor checked him over before saying, “I need 50 milligrammes of morphine, STAT!” I gave him the morphine and said, “Bobby Charlton is England’s top goalscorer, with 49 goals.

Things are really going to be rocking in my house tonight One of the legs has fallen off the dining room table.

I dropped a bag of zippers in the park today. I got done for fly tipping.

I fought in a middle eastern war in the early 90’s, it was over some drivers, putters and 9 irons, I still have haunting memories of the Golf War.

It’s a well known fact that Adolf Hitler loved dogs and other animals. He was, after all, a veteran aryan.

I watched the Angelos Epithemiou Dvd with my Wife today and I found it very moving. I moved to another room.

There was uproar at my sons school model making contest when the headmasters daughter won with her model plane. It was air fix.