Category: wordplay

Went to the hairdressers today for the 1st time in 6 months. ‘In for a bush cut?’, said the receptionist ‘If you have warm hands’, I replied

After giving birth to our baby son, my wife said; ‘Aww he’s got your eyes’ That’s probably why I couldn’t see a thing!

Ive just got myself a job working in London building one of the new Olympic stadiums. I thought to myself “Finally im making a stand”

What do you get if you cover someone called Clare in chocolate? A chocolatey Clare.

I had a heart stopping moment earlier. The wife laced my drink with brake fluid.

The doctor told me that I have developed facial leprosy and that I would probably lose my sight. I cried my eyes out.

What’s black and comes in thirteens? R Kelly.

Ever since my wife kicked me out of the house three weeks ago I have been squatting. It won’t surprise you to learn that I have a thunderous pair of thighs now.

I recently signed up for a deal with a new Christian phone network. It’s Pray-as-you-go.

Flattery will get you nowhere is the vicious rumour that caused Flattery’s taxis to go out of business.

There are three farmers in front of you. Which one will be able to supply you with drugs? Farmer C.

My grandad wanted to play charades, so I said “ok, you go first and I’ll try and guess.” He drew a box in the air. “TV show” I said, grandad nodded. He wiggled his ear. “Sounds like” I said, grandad nodded. He tapped his chest. “Heart” I said, I could tell he was nervous as […]

I love mugshots. They get you drunk faster.

My wife accused me of turning the smallest thing into a drama and making a meal out of everything. She’ll regret saying that. I’ll make her eat her words.

Starting getting the ingredients ready for my ‘Mother Nature’ cake this morning. 2 earthquakes, 3 volcanic eruptions and a tsunami. Then I stopped and thought ‘this is just a recipe for disaster’…