Category: wordplay

I fancy my wife rotten. She’s been dead 6 months.

Because of my age, I’ve had to give up my secret role as Veg-Man, the superhero guardian of allotments. I’m no spring onion any more.

“Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.” That’s the only reason I’m still married…

I think our local sewage farm has broken down. There’s a big sign on the gate that says ‘Out of Ordure’.

How do you get to Shepherd’s Bush? Up the Shepherd’s leg!

Here’s a hot tip: The end of my soldering iron.

I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.

I stayed up all night watching highlights of the French Open. I was knackered this morning, but it had its advantages.

I used to be a cat burglar… But in the end, I couldn’t afford to feed them all…

I was cooking for master chef the other day, and Gregg Wallace said I needed to add more cloves to my curry. He didn’t look impressed when he choked on a sock.

I said, “I’m thinking of growing a beard. Do you think I could pull off a beard?” My wife said, “Yeah, but it would really hurt”

I saw Paul Simon yesterday. I said “Hey Paul, what was that song you did in the 80’s?” “You can call me Al” he replied. “OK Al, what was that song you did in the 80’s?”

I’ve got constipation. Is this also a log in issue?

Just ate a whole box of wafer thin ham slices… Man, I feel like a pig.

The local fortune teller was in a really good mood after accurately predicting this weeks winning lottery numbers. So I punched her in the face. I do like to strike a happy medium!