Category: wordplay

It took a restraining order from Elisabeth Shue to make me realise that my foot fetish had gone too far.

My wife and I asked our son what he would like to do for his birthday, he said, “I’d love to see U2 in concert.” In his dreams, neither of us can sing.

I was on the train the other day and a bloke came up to me and yelled Seven Billion Nine Hundred Million Eight Hundred and Fifty Seven Thousand Four Hundred and Seventy One. I thought “that’s odd”

A note left for a pianist from his wife “Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”

I’m writing a book about Elizabethan clothing and how uncomfortable it was in the winter. It’s a ruff draught

I got abducted last week. The gym manager said if I paid my outstanding membership fees I can get my stomach muscles back.

My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

My grandmother always feels cold after finishing a chili naan

I said to the doctor “I fear German people” He replied “You’re Klaustraphobic.”

I called my son last night. In my defence everyone at the delivery room kept coming up with stupid names.

I know that there’s a supermarket price-war going on, but I think Iceland have gone a bit too far this time.

The daffodil represents Wales. Does this make the Welsh narcissistic?

Apparently when someone says ‘What skeletons are you hiding in your closet?’ The right answer is not ‘My gran’s, my son’s and my pet hamster.’

I did a stretch inside once… Followed by a yawn.

I said to my mate, “You look sad, what’s wrong?” He said, “I’m just struggling to get over Annette.” I said, “You don’t fancy a game of tennis then?”