Category: wordplay

I’ve just sold my Born to Run, Dancing in the Dark and Born in the USA LPs I’m having a bit of a Springclean.

Me and my mate decided to wear something fancy with our shirts at a recent modeling contest. We ended up tied in first place.

Not a single person is in a relationship.

I’m going out with a surgeon. She doesn’t half scrub up well.

I’m sure I’ve just seen that Alistair McGowan in hospital, suffering from anemia. Although, it might have been a pale imitation.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Blind.

I ran over a dog yesterday and to make matters worse it got stuck under my grill. ‘Did it die?’ ‘Die? It almost set my kitchen on fire!’

My wife is an alcoholic with OCD. She only drinks whisky neat.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

My wife asked, “Will you sponsor me? I’m doing the race for life with work, we’re raising money for Anita.” I said, “Why? You might be cold now, but It’s nearly summer, you won’t need one then.”

I was surprised to see a horse named ‘House’ at the Grand National rated at 100/1. Doesn’t it always win?

Imaginary numbers are complex.

People say im like a toolbox. Everytime I get hammered I get screwed

If size doesn’t matter then why don’t my shoes fit?

I was jumped by a load of black guys earlier. That’s the last time I go to an athletics track dressed like a hurdle.